::19 months::

I can't believe how much Nathan has grown the past few months. He's talking ALL the time now saying tons of words his favorites are, "Buh Bye, doggy, and kitty" He gets excited everytime he sees a dog, "DOGGY WOOF WOOF!" He's always telling the women at the grocery stores buh bye and blows kisses. He's still in love with Elmo. Absolutely captivated by Elmo. It's the only thing that keeps him sane when he's crabby or not feeling well. He's running all over the house and just recently learned how to stomp his feet. He loves being outside however, it's getting cold really fast this year and he's prone to ear infections so I have been keeping him inside lately. It's kinda sad though because he just stands at the window looking at the older kids in the neighborhood playing football and tries to talk to them through the window. Nathan needs a friend or someone to play with. So talks of having another child has came into play but, we want to wait a little bit since I'm in school for cosmetology now and who knows if I can even have another. It's sad and wonderful that Nathan is getting older. It's great because he's becoming a little more self sufficient, and he's fun, doing cute things all the time. But, I miss my baby. Being able to cuddle him whenever just lay with him and be able to enjoy those moments. I'm lucky if Nathan will sit still for even 5 minutes. Don't get me wrong I love my little boy with everything I have I just miss those moments with him. I don't feel like I get them anymore. With my schooling being 35 hours a week he's gone to his grandparents all the time. I just wish I had more time with him that was mommy and Nathan time. I get a hour and a half with him if that. I keep telling myself I'm doing this FOR him! I make myself go to class and I push myself to do this because i want the best life for my family possible. Me being able to finish school and work part time will give us a cushion financially so I can do nice things for my family we can go on vacations and all those things. It just sucks until it's finished is all. AND NOW FOR THE FUN PART.. PICTURES Nathan and Zoey in the 1st picture and Nathan playing with the football in the next! :)

OFF TOPIC OF NATHAN: The day I lost my baby 3 years ago is coming up in 10 days. Last year and the year before I was ok with it because I was pregnant, and because I had Nathan and was busy with buying a house and everything. This year is different. For some reason I feel like I could get pregnant and find out on that day and it'd be that same little angel God is sending back into my life. I Know it sounds crazy but, I think it's wishful thinking. I so badly wish I knew how that little angel would have affected our lives at the same time I wonder if we would have had Nathan. and Nathan is my world, everything I do is for my son so if that's the case I couldn't even deal with it. I guess I'm just hating that I've had to go through this pain, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I can remember what the doctor told me, I can remember the ultrasound, how I prayed to God in the bathroom after the ultrasound crying that it wasn't real that it was a mistake. I pleaded with God to give me my baby back. The hell I had to face afterwards and I'll never forget the moment Joel broke down for as long as I live. I know everything happens for a reason I just wish these bad memories and pain would die off for good. I hate the feeling coming back every year and reliving the hurt.