Counting down the days..

How amazing the past few weeks have been. Nathan has gotten stronger and stronger. I actually see my tummy move around when he's wiggling around in there. Joel also felt him actually kick him and he was so amazed. He kept saying, "I can't believe our son just kicked me!" He now likes to yell in to my tummy and get kicked in the face. I just figure it's their way of bonding :) Nathan is also getting soo sensitive to loud noises. Last night we were at buffalo wild wings with some friends and he was soo active! He was flopping around, kicking, and making me nausea because he was so active! As soon as I got outside he settled down I was like ok loud noises and my son don't mix lol. I love how he has a personality already, I just can't wait to meet him.

The nursery is coming along.. I just got the bedding in the mail this week and it looks great in there! I also found a wall decal that said, "Such a BIG miracle in such a little child," it was absolutely perfect! My mom is going to paint his nursery letters to spell out his name and Joel's going to start working on building shelves for the closet. Maygan also gave me some clothes for him and I started placing things in his dresser. I can't wait to see the nursery completely done.. Nathan included.

My last OB apt went well. They measured my stomach and I'm measuring 2 weeks ahead. They said the amniotic fluid is not too much and Nathan is measuring right on time so they have no idea why. If it continues they'll be keeping closer eyes on it! I also had an Ultrasound because at 20 weeks he wouldn't show his spine. It took a lot of weird positions but, we got him to show the spine and all is fine! He's perfect! :) Since I'm slacking a little bit I'll post some pictures!! My weight is right on target not too much but, not too little and his heart rate was 148. Things are going VERY well! My next apt is in 2 weeks on my birthday! After that apt it'll be every 2 weeks.. we're getting to that final stretch I can't wait!!

Also BIG NEWS!!! Joel got a job at Alcoa! :) He's making a lot more money now and it's really helping us out! I can now cut back my hours at work so I can focus on the rest of the pregnancy, keeping the house organized, and school work. The only downside is we know starting in February or March he'll be going to 3rd shifts. He won't be working as much because he'll be on 12 hr shifts but, I'm going to have to learn to sleep on my own, take care of Nathan over night on my own, and be more dependent on myself again. It's been a long time since I've been on my own 100% and I want to make his transition as easy as possible so I'm taking care of things by myself. In the end it'll be SO worth it and I know we'll be just fine! My Uncle Tim worked 3rd shift for a long time and has 2 kids and a wife. My Aunt Jen assured me I'd still see him so I'm not too panicked!

All in all things are looking up. I'm getting huge and very anxious for our son to get here! 14 weeks and counting! :)

23 weeks

I Can't believe I'm already 23 weeks! There's not too much longer and Nathan will be here!! I'm feeling him move regularly now and it's amazing. He's more active at night and in the early early morning. During the day he's not very active. I hope this schedule flips around lol. I love feeling him wiggle around it makes me feel so much at ease!!

I've been reading to my belly and talking to my belly a lot. They say it's a good thing for the baby to hear my voice. They also say to rub the belly and I only do that if the kicking is getting to hard to calm him down.

I got asked yesterday for the first time how far along I was. I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything. I was excited!! I'm actually showing and people are noticing! My friend Danielle told the cashier she's a month behind me, having a boy lol. I think it's funny when I'm not pregnant and someone asks me how far along I am I got a quick comeback! Then when I'm pregnant and people notice like they're going to I have nothing to say. It was pretty funny.

I haven't started doing a whole lot for the nursery yet. The room is already painted blue with white trim. We have all the furniture and it's all set up. I figure that's a great start!! We're going to do a nautical theme with lighthouses. It's kinda like a tribute to my grandma and my dad who was in the navy. I think it's going to be really cute! I hope I get it all figured out.

Well I have another ultrasound Thursday to make sure baby is ok. At the 20 week ultrasound they couldn't measure his spine because he wouldn't give them a good view. I just can't wait to see him again and how much he's grown!! :)

21 weeks..

I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going. My little man is 21 weeks and weighs a whole pound now!! :) He's got a big head though lol his head measures at 23 weeks. We'll blame Joel for that!

I've had quite the scare with him lately. My body is basically trying to reject the pregnancy and they say this can be quite common for women who use fertility drugs to get pregnant. Your body isn't pregnant naturally and can cause a lot of problems for the mom during pregnancy which overall could affect the baby. I won't say I regret doing it but, wish my body would cooperate.

Friday night I started getting some spotting and cramps. I didn't think anything of it just thinking it's ligament pains and the spotting could be anything. I monitored it and told myself I'd Call the Dr. if it got worse. Well it didn't get worse but it lasted all night and in to Saturday morning. The cramping started picking up and the bleeding slowed down. I was a little nervous and was at work. The nurses told me to use the doppler and find his heartbeat. I of course ran to the breakroom and couldn't find his heartbeat. I was panicked! I called the Dr. and they told me to come in to the triage immediately. I rushed over to Genesis east and went up to triage. They were having trouble finding his heartbeat too but, they could hear him punching or kicking the fetal monitor so that put them at ease a little. They eventually did find the heartbeat and started monitoring me for contractions. I also got a Ultrasound. The ultrasound looked great he was moving around and was in the breech position. They said it's possible he's just dancing on my cervix and it's very sensitive. Which would cause cramping and possibly spotting.

If this is all it is I can handle it but, it's soo painful. I can barely move. I took today off work and am at home on bedrest. This bedrest is just what I decided to do for the day to hopefully get the bleeding slowed or completely stopped and this cramping to subside. I wish my body was more normal. I feel like I was never suppose to be pregnant and by me forcing it I've put myself and Nathan in danger. I just really hope this pregnancy goes well and I don't put any of us in danger.

Time for me..

Well a lot can happen in 2 weeks so I really think I need to be writing on here at least once a week.

So I've been getting rapid heart rates lately. They call it pregnancy tachycardia. Your heart is obviously pumping harder to get more blood to the baby at the same time your heart is not use to pumping so hard so it freaks out! At least that's what was kinda explained to me by the cardiologist. My heart rate at times can jump as high as 140's which is not good. I had an echocardiogram done today to make sure there are no problems with my MR valve that could cause the pregnancy tachycardia to be worse off then what it should be. My Dr. also said I need to relax A LOT! So.. I've dropped my classes until January to try and take stress off. I'm also not worrying about anything but myself and doing things I enjoy doing but, haven't done in a long time! The problem is if this keeps up, I'll be on bedrest and will have to deliver early. I told my Dr. I will do anything it takes to keep Nathan in me until minimum of 36 weeks. If I have to go on bedrest to do that now I will. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure he's here healthy!

Besides that I've just been taking some time to myself, scrapbooking, and looking at things for Nathan. I think I may even go register at a store today. My family wants us to start registering so they can buy Christmas gifts for him already. He's not even here and he's got everyone spoiling him! I just can't wait for him to be here!!

17 weeks and counting

A lot has happened in 2 weeks. I'm just soo exhausted all the time there was no way I'd be able to write it all out. We had another scare. I was having pains in my stomach 2-3 x's a hour, didn't think anything of it because I thought it was stretching pains. It lasted over night woke me up several times, and in to the day. I called the Dr. and they wanted to see me immediately because they believed I could be contracting... already!! I was absolutely terrified immediately began crying at work... how embarrassing. Well when I went in to the Dr. they didn't find anything wrong, they said I wasn't really dilated, my cervix wasn't thinned, and Nathan's heartbeat was strong. So this was great news! They couldn't explain why I was getting the pains soo frequently but, said every pregnancy is different and not to worry. Thank God I'm renting that fetal doppler from storkradio.com because I've been checking his heart beat EVERY day!!

The other thing that happened is I'm getting bigger. Noticeably showing now and people are asking when I'm due. I'm saying April and feel like I should be saying January or something. I guess we have to remember that I wasn't small before I got pregnant. OONNN the positive side, I had an apt. yesterday and at 17 weeks have only gained 7lbs total! I sure don't feel like it but, it's there. That made me feel really good about everything! Hopefully I keep the weight undercontrol so it'll be easier to lose after he's here!

Well as much as I shouldn't be... I went shopping at a few consignment baby shops yesterday with my mom and sister. They had $1.00 clothing items, and I got Nathan a 12month Raincoat for A DOLLAR! :) He's an April baby and must have a raincoat lol. I love it! I've decided though no more buying until after the baby shower and I'm going to start saving. Since my mom and in-laws are wanting to buy for Nathan.. already! lol I'm going to register before Christmas so at Christmas I get those gifts for him, and then RE-register before my baby shower. I'm sure I won't have to change much but, just in case something was discontinued or something. I've found that most of the stuff I absolutely love can only be found online. BUT that's alright.

Last night I had an amazing experience!! I felt like Nathan was shivering.. yes shivering. It was strange I was laying on the couch and all I could feel was shivering in my stomach. I was confused at first and called my mom who said apparently that's Nathan moving around. I didn't like the feeling at first because I thought he had hypothermia or something lol. But it was awesome. I've swore I felt him move before but, now I guess that was the affirmative.

Well that pretty much sums up the last 2 weeks. I'm loving Nathan more and more everyday. Joel's getting more and more excited and I know he already loves Nathan. He comes home from work kisses me and then my belly. I can't wait for the day we finally see Nathan in the flesh and hold him tight. He's going to be our whole world!

15 weeks, 3 days

A letter for my little boy

Nathan,

The Doctor says you can hear mine and daddy's voice now. So you now hear how much we talk about you and how badly we want to meet you. We love you so much already and you haven't even been held in our arms yet. You also probably get to hear daddy tell me how much he loves me. One thing you should know is that you definitely weren't conceived from a couple who doesn't love each other. We love each other very much and wanted you more than anything in the world. You are a miracle baby, our miracle baby and you'll know about that more later in life. We absolutely can't wait to meet you, daddy and I get more and more excited about it every day. We know you'll be absolutely perfect and you'll be very healthy (daddy is a health nut so it's a given) I just wanted you to know that you mean the world to us and I never want you to forget that. I can't wait to feel your little kicks and I know daddy is excited for it too! Keep growing sweet baby boy, we'll meet you very soon!!

Love your mommy

14 weeks and an amazing thing..

I'm absolutely beside myself right now, words can't be put together to explain how happy I am. I can't stop smiling! We made it to 14 weeks, baby is absolutely perfect.. OR should I say.... BABY BOY is absolutely perfect. We got a GREAT shot of the "GOODS" and it was quite obvious! He was wiggling around on the Ultrasound screen and sucking his thumb it was absolutely adorable! He is measuring right on time and everything looks perfect. Joel couldn't stop smiling and I think he's ecstatic to know our baby is fine, and he got his boy.

The name we have picked out is Nathan John and that is a FOR SURE thing!! I've already heard crap about it from certain people and don't care a bit. We love the name and the meaning behind it. It means, "God's gift from above" It's absolutely perfect for our miracle.

I've been talking to a lovely group of ladies on baby center since I lost my last pregnancy. They've been through the same thing and are all soo supportive. I really feel like these ladies are apart of my life and I make sure to tell them everything!!! Well Amy who has a beautiful daughter Abby already, just had her little boy Otis this week. I saw pictures and he's absolutely beautiful! I'm so happy for her and it makes me think more in to my delivery and the day I'll finally meet Nathan. I've been talking with her since she first found out she was pregnant and I'm just soo glad she has her little boy in her arms and her now BIG girl by her side! They're such a beautiful family!

Well I went shopping a little bit today only got a couple things just to celebrate making it this far in to the pregnancy and because we know he's a Boy. I got a Shirt that says, "Daddy's glad I'm a Boy." Which just worked out lol and A bears colored flannel shirt with some baby jeans! He's going to look soo handsome!! :) Now for the good stuff!!

Damn Hormones....

Well the hormones are setting in and I'm going to vent on here. Last night I had the most awful dream that Joel was cuddling some other girl in our living room. I said, "Joel what are you doing?!" He said, "We're just friends," and somehow in my dream I was Ok with that?! If you know me... there would have been fists thrown lol. I don't think this is code for anything because I trust my husband wholeheartedly and would never think he'd leave me. I just think getting bigger from the pregnancy and not being soo far along yet is getting to me a bit. I'm just a downer today.

AND... on top of it I'm just really upset about us not having any money and wonder if I made the right decision to get pregnant at this time. I only say that because, we both are working our buns off trying SOO hard to get some money and it seems like we're drowning instead. I just wonder what will happen when our little one gets here.. will we be able to provide like I've always thought we would. I'm not saying my baby needs all this name brand stuff and what not but, I do want the baby to be provided for obviously. ::sighs:: I hate these hormones I'm having such a downer day. I think I'm going to go take my doppler and listen to baby and go back to sleep or something! STUPID HORMONES!!!!!!!

OH and my updated belly picture...

Heard the Heartbeat!!!!

Well today I'm 12 weeks, 4 days. I decided to rent a fetal doppler otherwise I wouldn't be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time until 15 weeks!!! So I went to storkradio.com and paid $25 and received my doppler yesterday! Well I tried of course first thing of getting it and, baby wouldn't cooperate. Every time I'd get a reading and hear ONE thump baby would move and I'd have to try and find him/her again. I even tried to get Joel to help me locate the baby's beat and nada.

Today, I tried again at home and used some advice the BabyCenter Girls I talk to gave me and POOF! There it was as clear as could be. I called Joel at work and made him listen lol but, he said we'll have to hear it again when he gets off. He was smiling and I know this by the sound of his voice.

Anyways~being out of the 1st trimester is awesome!! I LOVE IT!!! I feel a lot better about myself, I get to stop taking progesterone Saturday at 13 weeks, I'm terrified but soo glad at the same time! Saturday to celebrate being out of the 1st trimester my Aunt, mom, and I went out shopping. I just bought a bib and my mom bought a monkey hat, onesies, and sleepers. They were gender neutral but, I think she's stuck on this Jungle theme all I heard was, "MONKEYS!!" lol I guess Jungle theme isn't too bad! :) My Aunt got me some onesies, sleepers, socks, and wipes. She also bought me a maternity shirt! It was great getting out with them! I can't wait to find out what baby is on October 8th. It'd make my life a lot easier for shopping purposes!!! I still guess BOY! lol

Well symptoms are subsiding IMMENSELY!! I still get nauseated every now and then but, no where NEAR as bad as it was. I have no headaches and the only problem I can think of is pulling pains which apparently are normal but, annoying. Now to look forward to October 8th!!

Scared

Well today I'm 11 weeks. It would of been a great day but, after work I started spotting. I currently have a UTI and wonder if maybe it has something to do with that. I called the Dr. anyways and Dr. Martin told me she could set me up for an Ultrasound today to see if everything is ok with the baby. She said she would just doppler to hear the heartbeat but since I'm "plushy" it'll be a little more difficult and she wants to be sure. Right now I'm just waiting for her call back as to whether I'm going to the ER so she can see me there or if she'll just be able to order an ultrasound so she can check to see if the baby is ok. I'm absolutely terrified and can't stop crying. This is exactly how things began with my last pregnancy. No cramps, no warning just some spotting. My body wouldn't even release anything and I had to take a pill to get the process started. I really hope and pray this isn't what's happening again. I've made it this far I just can't imagine it to end so soon already. :\ Hopefully I get some answers tonight..

UPDATE:
Doctor called back and got me in to Genesis East for outpatient ultrasound. She was in the middle of delivering a baby so wasn't able to talk to me in person like she had wanted. Baby was fine and everything looked perfect. The doctor saw the ultrasound pictures and said there's nothing to be concerned about. I did get to bring home a picture of the baby and the heartbeat is 171bpm. I was thinking it's pretty high but they didn't seem concerned. Oh now for a picture!!

10 weeks!!

Can't believe it! I'm in double digits, and 1/4 of the way done with the pregnancy! I will say now things are starting to get a bit scary. I'm slowly losing symptoms and am feeling really great. This is OK to most people but, makes me think is everything ok in there with baby. I may be over paranoid but, I have every right to be. Thankfully we have an apt. on the 13th and will get an Ultrasound and get to hear the babies heart beat. I'm very excited to see how much peanut has grown!! I will say my belly is starting to pooch out, not just bloat anymore it's hardening. Very cool if you ask me! I just wish I'd be further along so I looked pregnant instead of just bloated and fat.

Well I said last time we had names.... not soo much anymore lol. I really don't like Caylum. It's only the boys name we're having problems with. This weekend Joel and I are going to write down 10 names we haven't told each other about and see what we come up with. I really hope we can name our baby before we find out the gender. I don't want to call it baby when I know if it's a boy or girl.

October 2nd I'm out of the first trimester and I absolutely can't wait! 28 days and counting!!

Our 1st Ultrasound

Today was absolutely amazing. We saw our little peanut. It was absolutely perfect!! Baby was bobbing their head and being a little wiggle monster. I was thinking, "Wow they have a lot of energy now, I'm scared for when they're here lol" The heartbeat was 153bpm. They said it's perfect and where they like to see it. I saw the yolk sack and thought back to my previous ultrasounds with my last pregnancy... there was no yolk sack. Strange.. I'm just glad everything is going well. I can't wait to find out what we're having. Mid-November is the next Ultrasound. I have an interview on Monday and our 1st apt. is September 13th where we'll hear the heartbeat. How amazing..OH and the best news, I'll be done with the progesterone at 13 weeks... 4 weeks and counting lol.. Now the beautiful 1st picture of our little miracle.

Nerves set in...

Well tomorrow is the day we finally get to see our little one. The only thing is that the last time we had a 8 week ultrasound, things weren't going so well... so this time I'm hoping that our miracle is growing perfectly! I still have many symptoms and I get that feeling that the baby's still there but, now I'm wondering if I just feel that because I want it so badly. Joel and I both are soo nervous but, Only tomorrow will tell. We'll find out if there's twins and see the little heart flicker!!:)

On the plus side Joel and I have been getting a lot accomplished in our minds about baby stuff! We're almost 100% on names...

FOR SURE if baby is a Girl she'll be named Avalyn Lauretta (Lauretta is after my grandma who passed away earlier this year, I told her way before she even passed that I'd name my baby after her) Avalyn means "a beautiful breath of life," VERY perfect if you ask me! If baby is a Boy he'll be named well pretty sure lol Caylum John (John after Joel's grandpa and dad) and Caylum means "a brave warrior" if you know Joel you'll understand that. lol I'm not 100% on Caylum yet but, I decided we'll for sure the boy's name when I know we're having a boy lol.

Symptoms are going strong as I said earlier, I'm exhausted and never see Joel because I'm always sleeping. I feel sick and Zofran is still my friend, and if anyone hugs me too hard I want to punch them! There's some others but I'm not going there. I just can't wait to figure out what's going on tomorrow! Wish me luck!

TOO sick..

Well I had my first ER visit this pregnancy. I woke up this morning white as a ghost and felt horrible. My body couldn't function, and I couldn't keep anything down not even water. I went to work hoping it'd pass and it never did. It got worse. I started feeling dizzy and couldn't walk straight. I had my mother in law, Margo come pick me up from work and take me to the convenient care clinic. When I got there they saw immediately I was very ill. The doctor came in the room almost instantly, did a standard routine check and said I'm going to the ER. Once I was at that hospital they had thought I was severely dehydrated. But did a urine test and determined I wasn't. They gave me a new anti-nausea medication Zofran that would help me be able to keep things down. I took the medicine and sipped on sierra mist at the hospital. Then they sent me home. All my body needed was some sort of sugar apparently as I was sipping I was gaining color in my face and being able to actually function. Because of all of this I've now decided I hope I am having twins, so I never have to get pregnant again. My body hates it apparently.

6 weeks already!?

Well I can't believe it!! I'm 6 weeks already, halfway through the dreaded 1st trimester! I couldn't be more excited though, it seems like the time is going by fast! Let's keep it going I have 2 weeks and 1 day until my Ultrasound!!! :)

When it comes to the bleeding it's completely stopped!! No spotting nothing. I'm cramping slightly still off and on, dizzy spells, and am having "DUH" moments already. It seems I can't finish a sentence until I say.. uhh.. uhh. uhh 12 times! I also have horrible nausea. So bad I got car sick twice on the way to Iowa City to see my grandma.. poor Joel his jeep smelled horrible!!! lol I also am so sick in the morning I can't eat breakfast or make my lunch. So Joel is making my lunch at night after I've gone to bed, it's cute and always a surprise at lunch time!! Usually it's a cheese sandwich, or peanut butter (Need the protein for the baby is what he ALWAYS says lol) a fruit and a veggie. Along with Smart Water. I don't understand why he doesn't just get me my normal bottled water but he says Smart Water is better for me and the baby it's also more expensive. It's so wonderful to see him trying to be a "daddy" already lol. Taking care of the baby WAAAY before the baby is even here! Gives me a lot of hope for the future!

Oh and because I've been having horrible nausea I went to Motherhood Maternity today for Preggo Drops. They actually work for me. Along with mints, but honestly I'm getting soo sick of mints! I also got a really cute shirt! Hell I'd wear it not being pregnant, it's plaid long and I'm going to wear it with leggings! Can't wait to have the baby bump in the shirt! I also was very cautious as to who could see me in the mall since the secret isn't out quite yet haha. I will say I love messing with everyone on facebook I'm making it obvious but keeping them guessing lol.

Speaking of maternity clothes I've kinda started wearing them already. Obviously I'm not showing because of the baby, BUT I am horribly bloated! I look like I'm 8 months pregnant during the day and then when I first wake up I'm back to myself! All of my jeans hurt because they're so tight, it sucks so I said screw it. I went to Goodwill got myself a pair of maternity pants with the tags still on for $6.00! And they are absolutely comfortable!!! :) No more shoving bloat in skinny jeans haha.

Joel and I are already discussing names. I think this is one of our more important things. I told Joel this time I want to name the baby even if something happens.. which I pray it doesn't. So I said lets find names then! So far we have...

FOR SURE FOR A GIRL
Avalyn Lauretta (Avalyn means a beautiful breath of life and Lauretta is after my grandma who passed away this year)

Boy names are up for debate but the middle name will for sure be "John" after his dad and grandpa
Joel Likes:
Callum, Raiden

I like:
Rylan, Nathan, and Liam (there are a lot more on my list though)

Problem is Joel hates my names and I hate his lol. We'll get it figured out sooner or later! Well my bed is calling my name! I can't wait to have more crazy dreams!! Oh the joys of being pregnant! :)

and the scary part begins..

This is soo going to be TMI but it's my pregnancy journal and I'm going there... lol


So I started spotting Saturday, only when I wiped and it was pink. Nothing too alarming I didn't even worry about it. Nothing Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday. This morning I had it again, I called the doctor and they said to monitor it and let them know if it persists or if I'm having to wear a liner. I'm soo nervous right now. I really hope the baby is ok! It's so hard not knowing what's going on inside your own body. I have no idea if the baby is still growing, or if their at a stand still, if their heart is beating, or if they've evolved from the blob stage. I'm just really really hoping this one stays with me.

I also just found out 2 of my cousins are pregnant (they're sisters and are only a week or 2 apart) and one of my best friends Holly just found out she's pregnant! I also have a friend Danielle who is pregnant. I think it's nice to have people being pregnant along with me so we can share the experiences together, and help each other out along the way. My biggest fear is I'm going to lose my baby and have to watch everyone go on without me. It's so hard watching someone who you were pregnant with at the same time enjoy their pregnancy when you're so miserable. I've been through it once and just don't want to do it again.

Well on the plus side, I'm 5 weeks today and have my appointments set up already! I have my first U/S at 8 weeks on 8/26, and my first OB apt. on 9/13 at 10 weeks! I really hope things continue to progress and that the baby is ok. Symptoms the past couple of days: Nausea off and on, fatigue, dizzy spells, and some cramping.

HOLY SMOKES!!

2029!!!!! I can't believe it!! In my last pregnancy I only made it to 1327 at 9 weeks!! 2029 I'm in shock!! I'm soo absolutely excited I can't stand it. My Dr. should call Monday so I can set up an apt. I'm also hoping for an ultrasound within the next few weeks to see how things are progressing. I really think this is finally it!!! :)

Nervous.. Excited..

Well It's been determined for sure. I'm pregnant!! Still!!! :) I had HCG levels drawn on Saturday and they had gone from 16 on Thursday to 72 on Saturday. SUCH A BIG JUMP!! They're even saying there could be more than one, but of course it's too early to tell! They want me to go in for ANOTHER round of HCG levels on Saturday, and if they're positive too I can schedule my OB apt. I also went in today to take a FREE pregnancy test at Edgerton's to get the paper that says I'm for sure pregnant for insurance and everything. Definitely still positive! I'm soo unbelievably excited I can't stand it!! Joel is just as excited, he pulled out our Baby Name Book and started looking at Boy names already, making his list saying (Maybe) next to the one's he's not sure about. "Egan" being one of them (I'm saying NO already! lol) I love having this feeling again It's soo incredible. I just have a great feeling about this pregnancy, I really think it's going to be ok. Unfortunately my grandma is not here but, I know she's definitely watching over me and keeping an eye on things! Let's hope things go well this week and things finally start happening for Joel and I. :) Oh and symptoms are: off and on nausea, headaches, slight cramping, sore boobs, and fatigue.

SO EXCITED!!

Well since nobody has been reading this really, I can come out with my secret!! I'M PREGNANT!! I don't want to tell my family or anyone yet because of my loss last time. I think the worst part about it was telling people afterwards we lost the baby. :( I don't want to hurt anyone, especially after losing my grandma. I decided I'll tell them when I know my HCG levels are rising, my progesterone stays in good ranges, and I have an ultra sound in hand to say the baby is ok!

It started Tuesday night. I took a First response test and it said negative, but I could of SWORE I saw a faint line. I thought I was going crazy and decided to test again Wednesday. Woke up in the morning same thing... it was faint and I said it's negative. I was at work eating pizza with the nurse's and started to feel soo hungry, then I was eating and immediately felt sick, then not even 5 minutes later I was hungry again. I was like.... something is going on!! Later that afternoon I talked to my mom and said I just have a good feeling about this month but, I'm going to wait to test even though I was buying more tests. Something just told me, go ahead and test it'll be ok. And it was... it was a faint positive! I called the Dr. and said I had a positive test. They said go ahead and test again in the morning and then call them so they can send HCG labs to the blood lab place. Thursday morning my test was positive and so I called them again and got my HCG results.. "16" They are VERRY low!! They said with me being literally only 3 weeks and 1 day that that'd be about right. However they want another test to make sure they're rising like they're suppose to. Also my progesterone was 10.9 and they wanted to see it at 9.3 or above!!:) Tomorrow I have another HCG level testing and pray and pray it's gone up! I do know this, I took a digital Wednesday night and it said "not pregnant" then took one this morning and it said "pregnant" so I know my levels are going up! I just hope they've gone up enough. So far my symptoms.... and surprisingly I have some. Sore boobs, (almost punched my husband for hugging me) nausea off and on (i've gotten car sick twice now) and I'm SOOOO tired. It hits me in waves I'll be fine then POOF exhausted! Lets see what else happens. The next 10 weeks are going to be difficult, just pray for a miracle and I hope this is it! I hope I can hold my miracle in my arms and be a family!

OH and tomorrows my mom & Brian's wedding... such an exciting week!

HOPEFUL!!

Well I'm obsessive and tested early. I'm only 9 days past ovulation and shouldn't be testing this early but... oh well! I took a test this morning and it was a definite Negative, but took one this afternoon because I was hit with a wave of nausea, and I SWEAR I'm either going crazy or there's a very very very faint 2nd line...... AND I HAVE GLASSES NOW I CAN SEE BETTER! lol I really hope my eyes aren't playing tricks on me, that it will be darker in a few days. Its sad to say but I was soo glad I had that nausea, if it means I'm pregnant I don't care what I have to go through! I decided not to test again until I get my progesterone levels back on Thursday. I want to make sure they are where they should be before finding out it's positive and it being a very very early loss like in May. I really wish I wasn't soo obsessive and would quit testing lol. Here's to hoping this is the best week of our lives! :)

Ohh temping roller coaster

Well my Dr. wants me to take my basal body temperature everyday so he knows what's going on. It also can give you indications if you got pregnant or not, but it's difficult because everyone's chart is different and every month yours is different. Well the chart is suppose to look like it has 3 different levels if you are pregnant, mine looks more like a heart rate monitor. It's up and down, and up and down. It's really frustrating. I looked at other pregnancy charts though and there are girls that have similar charts to me and still found out they're pregnant. I guess when I get my progesterone level drawn I'll know if I'm even in the running for being pregnant.

Life is great, Joel and I are closer than ever. I love having him through every step of the way with me! He's so great always asking what my temperatures look like, if I got that positive Ovulation test everything else. It's cute in a way. At least I know he would want this as much as I do. :)

Oh just an update.

Well I'm in what I call the 2 week wait. I'm just waiting until 7/24 to take the test and figure out if the test is going to finally be positive this month. I'm definitely having a good feeling about this month but it'll be because of a good progesterone test, or maybe what I've been waiting for!

Living in our house is amazing. I love having a place of our own and not worrying about people above us blaring music or anything. I can blare music and nobody will hear and so far it's a great neighborhood! So everyone has been bugging me to see what the house looks like so I decided to post some pictures on here. :) There'll be more to come later since I can only post a few... this is the dining room, kitchen.

Our One Year Anniversary

A year ago today, I married the most amazing man I've ever met. Joel has brought out the best in me, and has made me the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. We've been through a lot in this past year with major life changes, ups and downs financially, cars breaking down, the loss of our angel, and my grandmother we've made it through. He's been my rock and is my whole world. Today I remember back to one year ago when I took the vows that are the rest of my life.

"I, Holly take you Joel to be my husband, my partner in life, and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you, and respect you, laugh with you, and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love from this day forward.."



These vows I will live by for the rest of my life. I love you, Joel you mean everything to me and are the most amazing husband and wife could ask for! Here's to many more years to come!:)

Little update on our baby situation: Took a test today and it was negative I'd be due for my period tomorrow but since I've been on progesterone it'll be a few days yet. So next month we'll try again. A little bird told me I'd have a little boy in March of next year. So since we'll believe anything we hear at this point, we picked out our boy name finally and even a nursery theme! (it's going to be awesome lol) We'll see if that comes true though.. Next month hurry up I want our little miracle to be in our lives now!

Well the last few weeks have been absolutely insane. I ended up taking a trip to Mississippi to visit my dad, took a getaway to Galena with Joel, and am now paying the price trying to catch up on housework and school work.

The progesterone is going well. I just had my tests results come back at 8.5 which is a huge increase from .4! Now it's just a matter of days to find out if this month has been a success for us or if we're in for another round next month. My temps are all over the place really but, I had a huge temp rise this morning which is a good sign! I'm really just hoping and praying this month is it. I don't want to say I feel it'll be this month because I always feel like that. We'll just say I'm very hopeful!

Other than this there hasn't been anything going on yet. I'm hoping I'll have very good news in a few days!

Feeling Awesome!

Well as you can already tell this is an emotional roller coaster. One day you'll be so angry and upset, the next day you'll get great news and it all seems ok in the world. Today is definitely a good day for me. I've realized that by me sharing this experience I'm helping other friends of mine and that makes me feel awesome. Someone recently found out she's pregnant and it was definitely an oops baby, she told me that by knowing what I'm going through it had helped her decide to keep her baby. That made me feel really good about sharing this with everyone. So, here I go continuing with my journey...

I had my fertility specialist appointment today with Dr. Nayler at the group! My mother in law is very supportive of us going through this all and went to the appointment with me since Joel and my mom were both working. Dr. Nayler seems very nice and completely understanding. He's also been in the business for a long time recognizing my mother in law from when she had her 2 youngest! That gives me a lot of reassurance!!

We first had to talk about the miscarriage and that was difficult. He didn't ask too many questions which made things a lot easier. And then talked with me about what we could do. He said there's IUI and IVF but, he felt I didn't need it right now and it's quite pricey. He then said that we could do something like Clomid to help me ovulate but since it made me sick he recommended we do progesterone suppositories when I get a positive ovulation test until I find out I'm not pregnant. If I am pregnant I'll continue taking it until I'm out of the first trimester. Having already tried the clomid, and last month ovulated on my own I decided to try the progesterone suppositories. Dr. Nayler wants me to start temping my basal body temperature, charting it and using the ovulation predictor tests. I ran out to Walgreens today and stocked up.. I'm ready for this!!

I feel completely hopeful for this month. I keep thinking it's meant to be for us. This will happen and this will work. Even if it doesn't work this month, my progesterone levels will be up and it'll just be a hit & miss instead of infertility. I will be conquering the one thing keeping Joel and I from being parents. I'll be conquering infertility which unfortunately a lot of women can't say they've done or can do. Any woman who can say they've conquered it are truly blessed and would definitely have a miracle on their hands. I'm grateful I still have options to try and really hope this works on the first time because I'm very inpatient!! I feel a miracle coming around the corner.. it's just a matter of time now!

false hope..

Again as I said before a lot of this will be on my struggles with the infertility thing...

Saturday was a happy day for Joel and I. We had 4 positive pregnancy tests.. 2 digital EPTs and 2 First response. Now before you get too excited for me... you must continue reading on. I told myself I wouldn't get too worked up and decided to call my dr. right away. She said, "Well we'll do testing Tuesday and start you on progesterone supplements." I said, "alright will anything happen between now and then?" and she said, "no it'll be fine for the weekend nobody will give you supplements over the weekend anyways." "OK!"

Well I had symptoms all weekend, nausea, tired as hell, bloated, sense of smell and started getting excited. I'm like well something is going right because I'm having symptoms. I got out the baby name book and Joel and I started looking through for boy names because we were soo convinced it'd be a boy. Joel was thinking Nero... weird off the wall names, I'm thinking Rylan, Austin, Liam etc. I had a wild dream Sunday night he named our baby boy LAVA! lol

Tuesday came and I was really nervous for my tests. I got the card from the lab so I could get my own results I was thinking low 100's for HCG should be fine and the progesterone needs to be 15 or above... My HCG was > 6. I was devastated. I told Joel to run to the store and get a EPT digital and it was negative.. something happened.. I had symptoms and everything!! My progesterone was .4!!! there's barely any in me!! I eventually found out it was a small miscarriage. My dr. said there was no way I was pregnant I was just getting false positives... on 2 different brands and 4 tests?!? I think not. Luckily I have an apt at The Group on Tuesday with a dr. who specializes in fertility. I'm hoping he can give us some answers. The only thing that bothers me the most is I saw a positive pregnancy test... for the first time since August... a positive. And then nothing.. I've gotten use to the negative tests and I'd MUCH rather have a negative then a positive and then nothing. Luck of the Irish bring me a March baby!!


OH and to top it off there's a certain person... who STILL is trying to talk me out of becoming pregnant. "If you were to have a baby 9 months from now what would you do?" The same thing I'm doing now except I'd have a little one to take care of. I don't go out and party I spend time at home with my husband. Oh and the infamous one... "How are you going to afford it?" Well we both work full time and can afford a house...how does anyone REALLY afford a child?!!? You just make it work! Can I provide for my child YES! So then they say, "Well you'll never see your child then if you're in school and working." ::screeching tires:: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WORK FULLTIME AND GO TO SCHOOL WITH A CHILD?!!? It's called prioritizing... something I'm good at! They act like I don't think about these things... I've thought about this non stop since August. I've got it covered! For you mom's out there... how DO you make it work?! It's not easy I know that but, what have you noticed you're doing different!?

~Praying for a piece of heaven in the year 2011~

Dreadful Due Date is here.

My due date is just about here... May 23rd. I've been dreading this day since I lost my angel. I really thought I'd be pregnant again by now. I'm trying so hard to hold back the tears and not to let this get to me, but I can't. I should be holding my angel by now, meeting them, kissing their sweet face, holding them in my arms, telling them I love them. Going to Joel and saying she has your eyes, or your nose. I wish I could go back in time and save my angel. I'd give anything to have them with us. In honor of tomorrow I decided to that I'm going to make a bracelet with Emerald colored crystals and wear it everyday. I feel I need to do something.. ANYTHING in honor of my angel.

Oh.. and Joel is handling this well by keeping it all in, and trying to forget about it.

I found this on one of my Babycenter Groups. She too had a miscarriage and wrote this poem for her little one, since I'm not that creative I'm going to post it because it tells exactly how I feel!

Today I will not meet you. Or see your sparkling eyes.

I will not touch your tiny hands or hear your first little cries.

I will not kiss you tenderly as you lay upon my chest.

But let there be no mistake, little one. You see, I have been blessed.

I may not know what you would have been, but I know what you are.

I feel you in every gust of wind, see your smile across the stars.

Thanks to you, I know a mother's love, a love that never dies.

I only wish that our hellos hadn't been the same as our goodbyes.

And as the days grow longer now, like nature, I try my best.

To grow and change and live again, and I guess you know the rest.

You know I love you more than words could ever hope to say.

I'll love you until forever comes, and then add one extra day.

You'll always be my baby. You'll always be my child.

You'll always be a dragonfly flying free and wild.

The world will never know you, or understand how I feel.

But I know. You were here. You are here. You are real.

Since this is the only picture I have on my computer... This is the first time I saw the heart beat.

Beginning of it all.

This is for myself, so I can vent and if people want to read that's awesome. I will warn you now most of my posts will be on my fertility issues and how my husband and I are struggling with it. I'll also mention whatever happens in life.

First a little history with my infertility issues. My husband, Joel and I got pregnant by mistake in August. It was one of the scariest moments in our lives, but we then came to terms with the pregnancy and were very excited. It was one of the happiest moments in our lives. We unfortunately had trouble with the little one from the beginning and I ended up losing our angel at 8 weeks. That was the most devastating moments in my life. We then knew we were ready to be parents and have been trying ever since.

Unfortunately, nobody could tell you how difficult it'd be to get pregnant after our loss. We've been trying and trying and trying with no luck. I eventually went to the Dr. after a few months of trying with no luck and found out that I have low progesterone levels. These levels is what could of and probably did cause our miscarriage. (We never did the testing to find out what happened) I also found out that I never ovulated after the miscarriage. All the time I thought we were trying I wasn't even ovulating!! It was very frustrating. My doctor started me on clomid 100mg and that made me very sick. I ended up in the ER and couldn't bare to do another month. I then didn't have a period even though I ovulated on clomid. I then was prescribed provera and my period started 3 weeks later. And here we are now.

I finally ovulated on my own according to the ovulation predictor tests but I think it was a little too early in my cycle to be excited about it. I have an appointment with a fertility specialist on June 8th and am hoping this is the answer to all my prayers.

Being 22 and having fertility issues is the most frustrating thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. It's tough when all your friends and family have children around you, some on accident and some were planned. The one thing you want more than anything you can't have and it's all around you. I'm not angry though I'm use to it, I'm happy for them. I really honestly am!! I just can't wait for the opportunity to have a little one of my own. I just hope it happens soon. Joel and I are so ready for a baby. Some of our parents doubt us because we're so young, but we're going to prove them and everyone else wrong!!